Underneath the Sheaths

I didn’t see him enter the room, didn’t even hear his footsteps as he crossed the short distance from the door to my bed where I was lying, trying to get a much needed sleep. My eyes were shut, but somehow I felt that someone was staring at me. I opened my eyes, and there he was, standing right beside me, his gaze intent upon my face.

I was shocked. I knew he’d be here. But still, his presence surprised me. I didn’t know how to react. And I couldn’t; I was already imprisoned in his gaze. Our eyes locked. He didn’t say anything. He simply stared at me, his gaze penetrating my being. I felt as though he was trying to read through me; to dive into the pool of secrets I kept inside. He held my gaze, willing me to obey his unspoken command. His eyes so powerful, I lost the will to look away.

Then he moved his gaze to gently touch my cheeks, lingering there for a while, then moved down to caress my body, sending tremors to every nerve fiber of my being. I watched him undress me with his eyes. I saw him clear up the protective layers I had carefully, meticulously wrapped around myself. One by one, he yanked the sheaths, examining them carefully, searching for whatever it was he needed to see. I saw layers upon layers of sheaths pile up before me. First went the bedcover of anguish and sorrow. Next came my nightdress of hatred and bitterness followed by my underwear of loneliness and pain. One by one, he tore them into pieces, making sure there was nothing left for me to put around myself after he had finished. He didn’t stop until everything was gone, until I was lying there, unclothed, exposed to his penetrating gaze. I was worse than a slut stripped off her dress; I was a soul devoid of everything. Bared. Naked. Defenseless.

He knelt down to examine me further. His gaze transcended the thin layer of skin that was my last protective covering. His eyes followed the direction of the blood pulsing through my veins and saw my determination and guts—the only outstanding traits I have left — blinking like neon lights against the darkness of the night; like ants walking in file, each carrying life support system for my whole being.

He kept searching until, at last, he found my shattered heart, beating rather erratically under his intense stare. I saw his brows furrow upon seeing the scars covering it, the stains marking every drop of blood that oozed out of it, and the wounds that were barely healing.

His face darkened. I moved closer to him so I could fathom his emotion. I saw glittering crystals forming in his eyes. I momentarily stopped breathing, confused. Tears! But…were they for me?

I followed the direction of his gaze. Then my heart seemed to have missed a thousand beats. There, etched in furious red at the very core of my battered heart was his name. Flashing. Dancing.

Quickly I returned my gaze back to his face just in time to see a smile flicker across his countenance. How beautiful his smile was! But it lingered only for a fleeting moment. Because just when he was about to succumb to the compelling force that suddenly overwhelmed him, just before he could acknowledge the heart-warming feeling that lifted his spirit, just as he had realized how much it meant to him to see his name where he wished it would be, a thought suddenly snapped him back to reality.

Wrong.

He smartened up. I saw him lift his hand to caress the newly opened wound where before his name flashed brightly; his fingers trembling. I felt his hand touch my heart softly as if to heal it magically.

Then I saw tears roll down his cheeks, down to his hand, through the gaps between his fingers, then down to my exposed heart, soothing it. Reluctantly, I dragged my gaze from his hand around my heart back to his face.

I saw his eyes deaden. I noticed his muscles twitch. I saw him fight himself. I watched him struggle against whatever outside force was shackling him. He almost won. Just almost. Eventually, his struggle faltered, until he was consumed.

Never had I seen him sadder before. His eyes searched mine. Again, our gazes met. I didn’t see him open his mouth, maybe it was his eyes talking to me, but I heard him whisper: Ann, let go.

I closed my eyes, not minding the tears that started to roll down my cheeks. He cupped my face with both his hands, his thumbs drying up my tears. He willed me to open my eyes. I did, how could I not follow his bid?

I looked up directly into his now hurt-filled eyes talking to me softly, begging me to understand.

"I can’t," my heart protested but I ignored it. I nodded, imitating a smile but managed to produce only a caricature version of it.

He smiled his gratitude.

Then, from his insides, he produced a thin, crystal-like, satin-soft sheath of love with which to cover me, replacing all the negative layers that had, for sometime, enveloped me. His gazed still fixed upon me, he gently wrapped the sheath all over my naked body.

Then he started to leave without turning his back on me. His feet moved backward; slowly, reluctantly, his eyes never leaving mine.

I started to panic, but I knew there was nothing I could do. I thought I saw him smile just before he completely faded. I grasped the sheath now securely covering me and clutched it closer to my body.

He was gone.

And I woke up. Then I started to cry, because now I know he knew that which I never told him. I loved him. Deeply.

I reached for his framed picture lying on top of the bedside table. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I stared at his smiling face. I ran my trembling fingers across his cheeks. His brows. His eyes. His nose. His lips. Then I whispered: "Rest in peace, Eric."


[seb/29Apr2004]

Ogie’s theory of creation

Firstborns can never be perfect, for they are merely products of their parents’ initial attempts (practice) at lovemaking. (I know he’s trying to say something here. Hmmm… maybe that I am an exemption? Hehe)

“Secondborns” are definitely better than firstborns, for the parents have learned a lot of lovemaking skills at the time they were being created. However, they are still far from being perfect.

“Thirdborns” are the parents’ masterpieces; for, at the time they were being created, the parents have already mastered everything there is to learn about lovemaking.

“Fourthborns” are the parents’ masterpieces-that-never-will-be. This is because while the environment in which they were created were perfect (the parents having mastered all the tricks of lovemaking at third birth), the parents tend to be complacent in taking care of them, thinking that they would turn out as perfect as the “thirdborns” just the same.


Oh! If you think this entry is crap, don’t shoot me. Everything is Ogie’s idea, not mine. And if it would be any consolation, Mans and I walked out on him — in jest, of course — when he blurted out this theory of his. You see, Mans is the “secondborn”; Ogie is the third. That explains everything.

Four siblings on taking risks

My brothers and I are risk takers, there’s no doubt about that. But just how much risk we are willing to take and the manner we take them differ greatly.

In any endeavor:

I always calculate the benefits against the risks. Only when I see that the chances of success is greater than that of failure, and that I can afford the loss I’d incur should I fail, do I take a leap.

Mans always calculates the benefits against the risks and makes sure he wouldn’t lose anything (at least break even) before he takes a leap.

Ogie always employs Mans and I to calculate the benefits against the risks and waits for our recommendations before he takes a leap.

Ryan takes a leap first. Only when he had landed roughly does he realize that there had been risk. Ouch!

Wedding bells in the family

Finally, Dad is about to experience two of the things he envied four of his brothers for — marching an offspring to the altar and welcoming a grandchild.

Oh please! Don’t look at me like that. I’m not the only child he has… Look at my tummy. It’s flat!

Sure, I’m the eldest child, but it’s not always the case that the eldest gets to settle down first, is it? In our family, it would have to be the youngest.

Now, I think I’m gonna cry.

Only 22, just graduated in October last year and got his first job in February, my brother Lucky Ryan is getting married in April, and will have his first child in May.

Oh God. What did he think marriage was? What will he do if… How is he going to… What happens if… Will the baby be…

Tsk… tsk… I’m so sad that he has to face such a huge responsibility this early. But he brought this upon himself; he should be able to stand on his own. He needs to. He owes that to Kate and to the baby.

I love my brother so much I'd move mountains for him. But I guess it's time we stand back. As Mans keeps saying, Ryan needs to learn to clean up his own mess. We shouldn’t always be there doing the cleaning up for him. Otherwise, he’ll never learn. I think so, too.

But like before, should he need us, he knows where to find us. He knows we would never be able to turn our back on him. No matter that he broke our hearts one too many a time. All he needs to do is knock…

And he better be sensible enough NOT to ask me to be Kate’s bridesmaid. Not only will I kick him real hard in the butt; but also refuse to speak with him indefinitely and not help in the wedding preparations!

Cebu trip: A reckoning

GlaxoSmithKline (GSK), through BSMG Worldwide, invited Chie and me to the Asia Pacific Launching of their anti-rotavirus vaccine. The launch coincided with the 3rd Asia Pacific Convention on Infectious Diseases (March 7-9) at the Waterfront Hotel in Cebu. The GSK vaccine is the first anti-rotavirus vaccine made available in the Philippines, although several other vaccines had been launched in other countries late last year. The actual launch lasted only for two hours, but we stayed in Cebu for three days to see much of the place.

5 things I loved about the Cebu trip

1. I experienced three firsts in this trip: first time to fly; first time to set foot in Cebu; and first time to attend a press briefing with international as well as local (Visayan) press
2. Good accommodation (courtesy of Hilton Hotel) and superb pampering (courtesy of GSK’s PR agency, BSMG Worldwide through Ces, Edcel and Jay). These guys (BSMG group) were not only very efficient, they were likewise very friendly and down-to-earth. Everyone was happy with the way they organized our travel. Kudos to them.
3. Sumptuous food
   Whew! BSMG and GSK spared no expense, especially with our food. We got to taste the best that Cebu has to offer.
4. New friends
5. Spectacular view and historical places
   Mactan, Magellan’s cross, beach, Fernan Marcelo Bridge, and a lot more
   

5 Things I hated about the trip

1. I had to share a room (and the matrimonial bed in it) with Chie. I would not have minded it at all had we not been given a two-bedroom suite. I would have enjoyed my own room if only Chie wasn’t so pathetic she wouldn’t let me get out of her sight because she was afraid of ghosts.
2. I had to wait until Chie was done with the bathroom before I could use it. Again, I could have used the one in the other room but she wouldn’t let me. It would have been all right had she been sensitive enough to move fast because someone was waiting for her to finish up. But she wasn’t, I always had to order her out of the bathroom. Hah!
3. I had to play Chie’s timekeeper all the time because she apparently never heard of the phrase, “time management.” Take for example what happened on our second day. We got out of bed at the same time. Because I wanted to play nice, I let her use the bathroom first, but instead of going there straight, she decided to watch TV first, ignoring me when I told her that she should start moving because we had to get down in a little more than an hour to meet the rest of the group. Only when I switched off the TV did she start to move (I had to do it, sorry!). While she was having shower, I made up OUR bed (oh, that sounds so off!) and prepared everything we needed for the coverage. Only when she was done did I get to use the shower. And yet, ten minutes before we had to get down, she still wasn't ready, while I was already fully dressed. Kakainis!
4. I never got a glimpse of Cebu’s sunset and sunrise. Three days and two nights in Cebu but I didn’t get to see sunrise and sunset. Waaahhhh! I woke up early on our third day just to get a glimpse of sunrise, but as fate would have it, it rained. Oh, how depressed I was. I love watching sunrise and sunset very much!
5. I didn’t get to buy necklaces/earrings and other “anik-anik” as pasalubong for my EXTREMELY DEMANDING friends. On our last day (our schedule to buy souvenirs and see more of the place), we decided to delay going out (upon my suggestion) because it was raining, not knowing that where we were going was very far from the hotel. Our travel consumed our time for shopping that the BSMG group decided we had to do our shopping near where we were having lunch instead (while they order and wait for our food), otherwise we wouldn’t be able to catch our flight back to Manila. Problem was, in the mall we went to, there wasn’t anything that was distinctly Cebu-made. All the things I saw, I could buy in Manila. Twenty minutes at the mall and I still hadn’t seen anything worthy to give my friends, I started to get so annoyed with myself and at everything, I was frowning and very quiet, that Chie, who was talking to Ces endlessly, fell silent too. So did Ces. (Good thing Chie knows how to deal with my moods. She must have advised Ces to ignore me while I was having a fit.) Ten minutes past, and I was ok; I started talking again. Chie and Ces must have felt relieved. (Now you know danger looms when I’m quiet. Hehe!)

Disclaimer
Items 1 to 3 in my “hate” list might have made you think I had a really bad time with Chie. Of course, not. I just had to write something to complete my list. Since there’s nothing really bad that went on during our trip besides items 4 and 5, I had to exaggerate my “annoyance” with Chie, and bully her here. Hehehe! But hear this too: I would not have enjoyed my stay there had it not been for her.

I’m guessing too, that if Chie had a blog and she were to write five things she hated about the trip, I would have figured in her list as well. Chances are, she would be writing about how she had to keep my tickets and my hotel keys for me because she was sure I’d lose them; how she had to carry my things (wallet and some documents) because I was willing to carry only my cellphone and digi-cam; and how she had to stay late at night because I felt I had to work even while we were suppose to be on vacation (What can I do? I'm a type A person!).

But then, she doesn’t have a blog and she doesn’t write, so I’m safe. Or am I?

Yummy(not!) ice cream

Me (center) and the rest of the gang... eating Elaine's weird-tasting ice cream (choco crumble? Ewww!) on Elaine's last day in the office as fulltime employee.

Patsy, Gary, Elaine, Jing, me (siempre), Jhen, Lorien, Chie and Ryan. Manong Ricco took the photo...

Reversible Suicide

“Rolling stone” is what my father calls me. Since I graduated from the university six [okay, seven!] years ago, I’ve changed employment several times that he had to keep reminding me: “rolling stones catch no moss” to which I always answered: “at least they have greater chances of landing exactly where they want to be.”

With that reasoning in mind, coupled with determination and a clear sense of where I wanted to go, I walked toward the edge of the cliff that was my secure but boring job, not daring to look below (lest I’d lose the courage to jump), and leaped, hoping that there’s an invisible net to catch me, or that the ground wouldn’t be too hard.

There was no net, I soon found out; and I hit the ground with a loud thud. But quickly I stood up and, walking limply, made my way up to the other cliff; with the mind to climb it.

Only to jump off a second time. And a third. And a fourth. And… who knows?


THE URGE TO JUMP started out as a seemingly innocent question — “Where would I be had I done differently?” — that slowly grew into a nagging voice until it became too loud for me to simply ignore. Then I started asking more and more pressing questions: Should I move forward or should I make a turnaround? Should I cling to the safety of my present job or should I leap on to the next?

Shifting careers is not an easy decision to make because it often means going back to square one and giving up the perks one already enjoys. It is also beset with many “what-ifs.” In fact, a lot of people regard it as a “suicide attempt.”

Knowing that, I still couldn’t let myself be stuck in a situation I couldn't live with. I didn’t think I could ever forgive myself if in the future I’d realize I could have made a difference, but didn’t; because I let my demons scare me off.

So I did some serious thinking, carefully evaluating my prospects and making sure I wouldn’t be affecting too many people in case I’d fail. I planned ahead and saved up; and made sure I’d have a fallback, just in case.

And then I jumped.

The first time I did it, I wasn’t too successful. But neither was my attempt a complete failure. Because I learned from the experience. It sure hurt me, but it hadn’t destroyed my spirit.

And the jump… the jump was, in itself, great. The adrenaline rush. The thrill. The knowledge that I was defying the odds and that I was doing something less courageous people would never dream of doing. Everything was just great.


AM I THERE yet? Heck, I don’t know. I’ve already jumped several times. Each experience was different from the previous. And success rate varied. But I keep learning; I’m becoming better and better.

And yes, changing careers does not assure of dreams fulfilled; that much is true. But it settles the many what-ifs in life. And no, hopping from one job to another is not at all being like a rolling stone. Rolling stones move not because they want to, but because of a stronger external force. They don’t have control of where they are going. We do. We choose how we move or whether we move at all. We decide when. If rolling stones have good chances of getting to where they want to be, how much more chances do we, humans, have?

And if, indeed, steering one’s career to a different direction is like committing suicide, then it is the kind of suicide where one can always turn back and undo everything. It is the kind of suicide I’d be willing to commit again and again, if only to get to a loftier plane.

[seb/april2005]



Postscript
Diary entry, February 2006

Here I am again, trying to decide what to do with my life. I had thought that when I’m already in the “right job,” I’d be very happy and would not want to jump again. I have to say I'm happy with the way things turned out. But what I didn’t count on was that, once you’ve achieved what you’ve set out to achieve, you’d want something else. And in wanting something else, you’d be faced with another dilemma: Would you leave what you’ve worked hard for to try another thing?

But then, maybe this time, there’s no longer any need for me to jump. After all, jumping isn’t the only course I can take. In fact, there are times that it doesn’t make any sense to jump. I mean, why would I jump when I can glide smoothly? Why should I take a plunge when I can dip one foot at a time? Test the waters is what they call it. That sounds like a good advice to me.

Empathizing with the pupils’ plight

A reflection on the in-service training my classmates and I conducted in a public school in Quezon City, in fulfillment of one of the requirements of our EDL 261 class. The training is a two-fold process: needs analysis (based on the outcomes of our class observations and survey and interview among several teachers and pupils) and seminar-workshop (based on the results of the needs analysis).


The in-service training our group conducted was both an eye-opening experience for us to the actual plight of our public schools and an affirmation of what we’ve known all along: that our public educational system is in dire need of overhaul.

During the course of our interview (I was the leader of the interview group) with several pupils and language teachers, I realized that while it was apparent that the level of competency among the teachers is low and that of learning among students is compromised; there is a desire, albeit of varying degrees, among members of both groups (at least, the ones we interviewed) to better themselves. Perfectly aware of their limitations, they are willing to join activities that promise learning enhancement.

But, as pointed out by one of the teachers, they can only do so much. They can give it all their best, and it still won’t be enough. For what is a teacher to do when the pupils couldn’t come to school because they are needed at home, either to do some household chores or to make a living?

Nothing, for the teachers’ economic status is, in most cases, only slightly better than that of their pupils. All they could do is hope that the absentee pupils would soon surface — bathed, fully clothed and with full stomach — so that they could provide them the kind of education they deserve. But even these two scenarios — the pupils’ showing up in what I’d call “optimally teachable” condition and the teachers’ giving them good education — are wishful thinking. For, with due respect to the teachers, they themselves need to do a lot of learning; not only in areas of teaching strategies, but, more important, in what they teach (content) the pupils. [During the observation phase of our in-service training, our observation group noted some factual errors made by the teachers, e.g., “what is the third person of him?” (The pronoun him is in the third person point of view; hence, it cannot possibly have a “third person.” But, being in the objective case, it does have a nominative case, which is he. The question should have been: "What is the nominative case of him?")]

Being a product of public schools myself, I was only slightly shocked (at least, not as shocked as my classmates were) at what I heard and saw in the school. But more than that, I can easily relate to the plight of the pupils. Looking at them as we were conducting our in-service training, I couldn’t help but imagine how I looked like when I was an elementary pupil myself, and be saddened that what was true during my time is still true up to this day: our quality of education is embarrassingly dismal. But while our situation then was bad, compared to that of the pupils in good schools in Metro Manila, the situation now is at its most alarming state — a hundred times worse than before.

Thinking what would become of the pupils when they grow up, given the kind of education they are getting, a thought hit me: the pupils who would be lucky enough to get into good schools for their tertiary education (or even simply attend tertiary education in whatever school, for that matter), would have a lot of catching up (of the right learning) and unlearning (of the wrongful teachings) to do in order to survive; that is, if they’d even realize that they had been taught wrong. Having gone through both processes of learning and unlearning myself (hence, I know how difficult it could be), I deeply empathize with them.

But more than everything else, the whole experience awakened in me passion for teaching. Being a non-teacher, I had always questioned my decision to take up MA in Language Education, especially when difficult tasks are being required of us, and more so whenever my schedule would be so hectic that I had to choose between attending my classes and staying late in the office to beat our deadline. (I had always chosen the latter, that I almost got dropped out from my classes last semester). During those times, I was always reduced to contemplating quitting from the program, reasoning to myself that an MA degree would not have any use to me, anyway.

But something always kept me from ditching my studies. At the back of my mind, I was (and still am) hopeful that someday, there would be a venue for me to share all the things I’m learning from all these studying that I do.

So, I guess the whole exercise was not for naught. After all, it allowed our group to cultivate deep friendship among ourselves, and gave us the good feeling that we were able to share knowledge and gain valuable lessons from it. If these don’t make for good reasons for the activity to be deemed worthwhile, then I don’t know what would. [seb/22feb2006]



[P.S. I love graduate school (GS). For some reason, I find GS easier than tertiary education. GS teachers likewise tend to give you the grades you deserve. There are teachers in tertiary education who give ridiculous grades. (I remember a particularly arrogant one who, upon learning that our class was big (40 students) during the first day of class, announced: “Half of you will fail.” And she did fail a lot of my classmates. She gave me a grade of 3. The reason? I argued with her about her (and her department’s) penchant for coining words to explain Philippine history and expecting everyone to know of these terms, hence, refusing to explain them. When she learned that I was a linguistics student, she made provocative statements about my department’s penchant for re-spelling English words into Filipino (e.g., association into asosyeysyon; subject into sabjek, and so on). Though I personally wasn’t very much into re-spelling English words into Filipino, I used a lot of re-spelled words in the written requirements I submitted in her class, just to annoy her. (Hey, what did you expect? Bully eh! Hehehehe.) I guess the only thing that stopped her from failing me was that I got high marks in her exams; and maybe (just maybe) my oral as well as written reports were good, albeit the re-spelled words.

Anyway, I haven’t seen that sort of thing happen in GS. (Although I heard that our GS teachers are also “terrors” in their tertiary classes.)

But what I like most about GS is the near absence of competition in class. The students help each other out. They give pieces of advice when you ask them to. They cheer you up when you think you did poorly in class; and pat you in the back when you turned in an exemplary performance. And above all, they urge you to keep going when you think you are ready to quit.]

Some friends

Got a call from Celestine tonight. And Salve has been sending me "unimportant" text messages lately. Since I was busy with work and school requirements, I didn't pay attention to Salve's "irregular" activities. Only to find out from Celestine na may niluluto silang kontra sa akin! Wanna know what it is? Let me rip from Celestine's blog her entry which she ripped off from this blog... Ang gulo! Basta, ganun yon! Yung orange na comments, kanya.

Ripped from http://celestine_tines.blogs.friendster.com/celestines_weblog/

TO SHERMA: ADDITIONAL BOOKS FOR YOUR LIST
I have taken the liberty of posting Sherma's blog entry regarding her so called "Challenge." In it she dared herself to read less than 20 books in a year. Since I am not so impressed with the number as well as her list; I believe as her friend it is my sworn duty to add a couple more. And Sherma in case you get all worked-up please include Salve to your ire 'coz I have sought her opinion on this as well... and she wholeheartedly agreed with me.
Now, where am I? Ah yes the blog entry... I ripped off her blog and added a few of my well-founded and heartfelt comments.
________________________
SOURCE: http://dwickedangel.blogspot.com/
Wednesday, February 08, 2006

The Challenge
I’ve always labeled classic literature as boring. (this statement only reinforces your conclusion about your illiteracy! hehehe...) Somehow, works in this genre fail to make me want to read on until the last page. I’m not sure if it’s the language used or the milieu in which these works were written, but it’s a real effort for me keep going.But even with this difficulty, I believe I ought to read the classics, if I want to be truly “literate.” Salve and Celestine, who were extremely surprised when they learned I got through high school without reading a single novel by William Shakespeare, Nathaniel Thorton, and the like, think so, too. They’ve been encouraging me to read the works for as long as I can remember, giving me pointers on how to get through, if not enjoy, them. And when I survey Salve’s collection of the “oldies,” somehow I feel compelled to read each one of them.

I did attempt to, several times. But each time, I always ended up dropping whatever classic work I was trying to drum into myself, before I even get to Chapter 3.

So I devised a way for me to coerce myself into reading these “unreadables” — by employing the punishment-and-reward strategy. (You dare label the classics as, ugh I can't even write it let alone think of it... You philistine!)

Here’s how it goes:

Challenge: By the end of 2006, I should have read all the books listed below (classics and non-classics alike). You call this a challenge??? It does not even exceed 20... Nah!! Definitely NOT! Let's include a couple more.

Rationale: The challenge would give me the chance to finally get acquainted with the characters that graced the pages of classic English literature. Toward the end of the year, I'd likewise be able to find out how disciplined I am: If I pass this challenge, then I'd know I have enough discipline to see me through greater endeavors; However, if I fail this one, then I'd know I lack self-discipline. I would then be able to design measures to discipline myself. (You don't need this challege to find out if you're disciplined or not. You already are. Take my word for it - disciplined bully that is!)

Classics
To Kill a Mockingbird (Harper Lee)
Mythology (Edith Hamilton)
Emma (Jane Austen)
The Scarlet Letter (Nathaniel Thorthone)
Adventures of Tom Sawyer (Mark Twain)
Wuthering Heights (Emily Bronte)
Paradise Lost and Paradise Regained (Milton)
Adventures of Oliver Twist (Charles Dickens)
The Prince and the Pauper (Mark Twain)

Non-classics
The Partner (John Grisham)
The King of Torts (John Grisham)
Obstruction of Justice (Perri O’Shaughnessy)
The Last Promise (Richard Paul Evans)
Lean Against the Wind (James McKarns)
Eleven Minutes (Paulo Coelho)
Da Vinci Code (Dan Brown)
The Prince of Tides (Pat Conroy)
The Chamber (John Grisham)
Angels and Demons (Dan Brown)

(hmmm... this is not a challenge girl. Some of the titles you have listed can be read in one seating. NOPE! DEFINITELY NOT)

Reward: Buy myself the white gold necklace I really want without feeling guilty.

Punishment: Treat Elaine, Chie, Jing, Salve and Celestine to lunch or dinner - you call this punishment this is a reward for you! You should be so lucky! (Am still thinking whether I should include Lorien or not). And more important: refrain from bullying these five (or six, I haven’t decided yet) imps for a whole month. (Now this is punishment. You, stop bullying for a month? haha! It's like you trying not to breathe! To quote Hermione Granger "it's in your blood!")

Rationale: These girls definitely won’t let me off the hook if I fail the challenge. Hence, they’d be keeping an eye on me. Knowing that, I’d of course persevere. Likewise, for an innate bully like me, having to go against my nature, even just for a month, would kill me. I'm sure I won't last a month without doing some bullying spree.So there’s the challenge. We’ll see how I’d fare. (Looking forward to the promised free food! I can already taste our victory!)

_________________________

ADDITIONAL READINGS:
Twelfth Night (William Shakespeare)
Shogun (James Clavell)
Things Fall Apart (Chinua Achebe)
100 Years of Solitude (Gabriel Garcia-Marquez)
The Color Purple (Alice Walker)
I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings (Maya Angelou)
Pride and Prejudice (Jane Austen)
Nicholas Nickleby (Charles Dickens)
Womenagerie (Jessica Zafra)
Coming Home (Cristina Pantoja-Hidalgo)
Canterbury Tales (Geoffrey Chaucer)
Jonathan Livingston Seagull (Richard Bach)
Tale of Genji (Murasaki Shikibu)
The Last of the Mohicans (James Fenimore Cooper)

So Sherma, take heed and READ the books. I promise you won't regret it. Maybe by then, Salve and I will deign to acknowledge that you have become slightly literate. Hahaha! I feel so wicked and I absolutely love it! >:-) And in case you're wondering if we really do love you, the answer is unequivocal YES. We're doing this for your own development. Salve and I look at it as social work for the less fortunate such as yourself.;-)


[Hey guys! I need to have a say on this!!!! 'Kala ko ba a "couple" lang? Bakit ang dami naman! Harap-harapang dayaan 'to! Please remember that before this clallenge, I have read but five classic books in all of my 27 years on earth — Jose Rizal's Noli Mi Tangere and Mi Ultimo Adios, Edgar Allan Poe's The Cask of Amontillado (A short story), Ernest Hemingway's (can't remember the title...) and something else I can't recall now. And now I'm gonna read 10 in just a year! And you still think it's no challenge at all?! Sige na mga friends, baka naman pwede nating pag-usapan 'to?

TEKA NGA PALA! How dare you bully me? I'm the bully here. Since when pa binu-bully ang isang bully? Hehehehehehe —Sherma]

Of friendships and goodbyes

Yesterday, Jing asked me a question I would rather not answer if I had my way: “Are you and Elaine leaving?”

Had Jing been anything less than a friend, it would have been easy to dodge her question. It fact, doing so would have been the safer route, given her position in the office — the little president, as we would often tease her. But as fate would have it, she is a good friend, too. Considering our relationship with her, I thought opting to be mum on the subject when she had asked me about it directly would have been an insult to our friendship.

So I gave her the answer she deserved — a direct yes.

I didn’t expect saying the words out loud would hurt so much. I only had to think of the friendship we (Elaine, Chie, Patsy, Manong Ricco, Ryan, Jing, and sige na nga, Lorien) had, and the happy moments we shared, and already I’m being persuaded to hang on, still. I only need to think of the improvements we could still contribute to the magazine, and already I’m thinking of giving things another go. But we had been doing both in the past four months, hoping that things would change for the better. But we had hoped in vain.

So maybe it’s time to leave. On my part, I can already see my performance slowly deteriorating. I no longer have the zeal to make miracles. I already find it hard to wake up in the morning to get to work. The signs are all there, staring everyone in the face; only a blind person would fail to notice them.

So yes, words of goodbye, amidst hopes of a better environment somewhere in the wilderness, are soon to echo in the four corners of the office. Elaine may do the honors of being the first in the group to utter them. I may still have to stay around a while longer to set our commitments in order. In fact, I may still be celebrating my birthday here next month. Just whether it would be a happy or a sad celebration, I don’t know. At the moment, I don’t even think I care.

(Not so) pathetic valentine

I don’t know if the gods devised it to doom me, or to save me from the humiliation of not having a date today, but the article I’ve been writing since yesterday afternoon (Feb 13) got screwed up not just once, but twice, so that I ended up re-writing the whole thing three times.

I was halfway through the article yesterday afternoon, when we decided to go home. I saved the article in a diskette, so I could continue writing at home. But as the file was being saved, something happened and the PC shut down. In short, walang na-save sa diskette. I found out after restarting the PC that neither is there a file in the hard disk. Tsk. Tsk.

That isn’t all. When I got home, I started reconstructing everything. I was almost done when I stopped, shortly after midnight. I saved the file in my PC as well as in a diskette. But when I got to the office this morning (Feb 14), the file couldn't be retrieved. Kakaloka...

So I had to re-write the whole thing for the third time. It took me so much time to (re)do it so that I, together with other loveless creatures in the office, had to work OT.

So you see, the gods gave me a valid excuse for not going out on Valentines Day: “I was busy.”

But who the heck am I kidding? If truth be told, I got left out. No one asked me for a date, and on Valentine’s Day at that.

Which got me thinking: Why is it that when you’d deeply appreciate to have someone to ask you out for a date, your phone would be silent but for the messages and calls that have nothing to do with romance? [Not that I would have gone out: I made it a rule not to date on Valentine’s Day itself. I just thought it would have been nice to have someone to turn down, di ba? (Oooopppps! Sorry folks. That’s my wicked and sour-graping self talking. Don’t mind her. Hehehe)] And why, on days when you’d rather stay curled up cozily in your bed, someone would be calling you thousand times, almost begging you for “dinner,” “a stroll,” or whatever they term it? Crazy, isn’t it?

Anyway, we (Elaine, Chie, Lorien, Manong Ricco and I), the office’s loveless gang, worked overtime today. Elaine and Chie Chie thought it was pathetic. But Manong Ricco had these comforting words to offer: “Mabuti na ‘to kesa naman umuwi kayo sa mga bahay n’yo, at maging obvious sa lahat na wala kayong date.”

Oo nga naman! Things could have been worse, di ba?

Besides, we did have a great time in the office naman, doing — nah, not just plain work (ano kami, martir?) — but dyarrraannn — picture taking!

So as millions of lovers were whispering sweet nothings to their partners over candle-lit dinner (or whatever romantic things they did) we were crazily holed up in the office… romancing a digi-cam.

Now, who could say we are [not] a bunch of losers?


Interesting trivia: Would you believe I wrote this blog entry while trying to reconstruct that screwed up article I’m talking about and that it took me only 10 minutes to write this one (compared with the agonizingly long hours I spent for the screwed thing which is even much shorter than this)?

And for the record: After my whining about me being dateless and all, let me set things straight, lest I’d be thought of as some mababaw kind of girl: I really don’t mind. V-day is not for lovers alone. And love isn't just about romance.

Happy Valentine's Day!

The Power of Love

D'wicked Angel Gets Senti


I love you.

Just three little words, but they could mean the whole world when spoken by the right person at the right time. So powerful are these words that they can heal even the deepest wounds and erase even the most excruciating of pains. So magical they are that they could bury hatred and bring out the best in a person.

When I was younger, I used to think love was something synonymous to romance; that is was as simple as buying flowers or chocolates and dating, and kissing, and fighting then making up, and other romantic stuff lovers do.

That’s why I never understood why people act crazy when they are in love; why people wear that funny love-is-in-the-air smile when they think of their loved ones. I thought love was overrated. That is why I always dismissed it as something I can do without.

Until it happened. I fell in love. And my world was never the same again. There was a whole new meaning to my life. There was gladness in my heart. And suddenly, love became relevant. It became my life.

Coming head on with love had me thinking that not even the most comprehensive definition Mr. Webster has come up with could completely grasp the meaning of the word. Not even the most romantic poet can describe it.

Love is real. It is all-consuming. It is so powerful that it moved me. It changed me. It has sent me to the highest clouds. It made me come alive.

And when I said the words to him, I meant them. I loved him. And he thought he was very lucky. I thought I was luckier. It was perfect. We were happy.

But it wasn’t meant to be. So he had to walk out on me, but he wouldn't. It would break his heart to do so, so I broke mine by doing it for him. And he thanked me, and respected me, and perhaps, loved me more.

Love is powerful. It can bring out the best in a person. Just when there was nothing I wanted more in this world than to be with him, I set him free. Just when I finally learned what love was, I let it go. Because I finally understood what it was, I made love rule me.

Sigh!

[seb/2002]

The Challenge

I’ve always labeled classic literature as boring. Somehow, works in this genre fail to make me want to read on until the last page. I’m not sure if it’s the language used or the milieu in which these works were written, but it’s a real effort for me to keep going.

But even with this difficulty, I believe I ought to read the classics, if I want to be truly “literate.” Salve and Celestine, who were extremely surprised when they learned I got through high school without reading a single novel by William Shakespeare, Nathaniel Thorton, and the like, think so, too. In fact, they’ve been encouraging me to read the works for as long as I can remember, giving me pointers on how to get through, if not enjoy, them. And every time I survey Salve’s collection of “oldies,” somehow I feel compelled to read each one of them.

I did attempt to, several times. But each time, I always ended up dropping whatever classic it was I was trying to drum into my mind, before I even got to Chapter 3.

So I devised a way for me to coerce myself into reading these “unreadables” — by employing the punishment-and-reward system.

Here’s how it goes:

Challenge: By the end of 2006, I should have read all the books listed below (classics and non-classics alike).

Rationale: The challenge won't only give me the chance to finally get acquainted with the characters that graced the pages of classic English literature. Toward the end of the year, I'd likewise be able to find out how disciplined I am. (If I'd pass this challenge, then I'd know I have enough discipline to see me through greater endeavors; However, if I'd fail it, then I'd know I lack self-discipline. I would then be able to design measures to correct my weakness).

Classics
To Kill a Mockingbird (Harper Lee)
Mythology (Edith Hamilton)
Emma (Jane Austen)
The Scarlet Letter (Nathaniel Thorthone)
Adventures of Tom Sawyer (Mark Twain)
Wuthering Heights (Emily Bronte)
Paradise Lost and Paradise Regained (Milton)
Adventures of Oliver Twist (Charles Dickens)
The Prince and the Pauper (Mark Twain)


Non-classics
The Partner (John Grisham)
The King of Torts (John Grisham)
Obstruction of Justice (Perri O’Shaughnessy)
The Last Promise (Richard Paul Evans)
The Runaway Jury (John Grisham)
Lean Against the Wind (James McKarns)
Eleven Minutes (Paulo Coelho)
Da Vinci Code (Dan Brown)
The Prince of Tides (Pat Conroy)
The Chamber (John Grisham)
Angels and Demons (Dan Brown)

(Legend: Finished reading; Untouched: Ongoing)


Reward: Buy myself the white gold necklace I really want without feeling guilty.

Punishment: Treat Elaine, Chie, Jing, Salve and Celestine to lunch or dinner (Am still thinking whether I should include Lorien or not). And more important: refrain from bullying these five (or six, I haven’t decided yet) imps for a whole month.

Rationale: These girls definitely won’t let me off the hook if I fail the challenge. Hence, they’d be keeping an eye on me. Knowing that, I’d of course persevere. Likewise, for an innate bully like me, having to go against my nature, even for just a month, would kill me. I'm sure I won't last a month without doing some bullying spree.

So there's the challenge. We’ll see how I’d fare.


Note: This particular entry will be updated regularly to show my progress.

Your door

It’s Saturday night. I know you’d be here soon. You’ve never missed coming home every weekend. As usual, I’m again in front of my PC, waiting for you in disguise of writing this article.

I listen for the now familiar signs that announce your arrival—the way you open the gate and the sound of your keys as they dangle in your hand and of your footsteps as you cross the living room, making your way up the stairs to your room.

The scene that follows is one that happens week after week after week. I’d turn my head toward you as you make your final step up the stairs, then you’d pause, we’d smile and greet each other, then you’d reach for the door to your room, let yourself in, then shut it at my face.

I’d stare at the closed door, hating and cursing it for being there to shield you from me, for not being the kind of door that opens to present opportunities and invite people in, and for being the unbearable witness to my anguish as it mercilessly shuts itself after you pass through it without me.

Then I’d get on with my writing, waiting for that damn door to open and give me at least another glimpse of you before I finally call it a night. But seldom has it listened to my pleas. It is like a prison wall, except that I, the prisoner, am shut out.

And tonight, I don’t see it as anything different.

I busy my hands with the computer keys, trying to come up with an article for the magazine I work for. But occasionally I’d catch my thoughts drifting toward you and it is a real effort to drag them back to the subject I am writing. I need to finish this article.

But why aren’t you here yet? It’s already an hour past the time you usually arrive. Where are you? Have you possibly met up with someone? Damn!

Another thirty minutes passed. I didn’t hear any sound, but now you are already walking up the stairs (I must have really gotten engrossed with my typing). I looked up and greeted you with that practiced smile—the kind that exudes warmth but hides deeper emotions, lest you’d find out how I really feel for you. You smiled back, but not the kind of smile you’d given me all these years. There’s something peculiar about the way you were looking at me. I couldn’t figure what it was, but you looked at me as though it was the first time you’ve seen me. Your gaze was so intense I was thinking maybe you thought I was a ghost, or someone from out of this world. And, instead of reaching for your door, you walked straight toward me. I felt my heart do some silly flip-flopping and my whole being trembled.

I didn’t remove my gaze from yours, not even when you reached for my hand and gently tugged me to stand. My legs had turned to jelly and I was more than willing to be in your arms. I’ve waited forever for this to happen; there’s no chickening out now.

I saw your face moving closer and your lips descending to mine. I didn’t have any thoughts of resisting; only anticipation for that moment when our lips finally touch. And when they did, everything else faded.

The kiss might have lasted only for a few minutes, possibly seconds, but the contact was enough to set my body ablaze. Then, I looked up and met your eyes, ready to confess how I felt for you.

But, as I opened my mouth to speak, I heard movements on the stairs, and there you were, making your way up to your room.

Damn! I’ve done it again. My writing had gotten the better of me again, swallowing me whole into this make-believe scene I’ve often played in my mind that oftentimes became too vivid and seemingly real, I get lost in it. Like I did tonight.

But of course, like a good actress, I managed to quickly regain my composure. Never would I let you know how, just moments ago, I had been shamelessly imagining kissing you. So when you smiled and started teasing me, I was cool enough to tease you back, until you inevitably reached for your door, closing it behind you after saying goodnight. Again, I stared helplessly at the faceless, cruel monster that hides you from me, as though it was its fault that I couldn’t get through you.

When will you stop seeing me as the younger sister you never had? Ah, the door that’s literally next to mine is as far as Mars is to Earth.

If only you’d open your heart for me.


[seb/feb2004]

Humor is us. But...

Someone trips over, we laugh. Someone makes a mistake, we laugh. Someone says something subtly insulting, we laugh. Someone shares a joke, we say, “Ang corni!” then laugh.

It seems we spend a lot of our time laughing. Even when things go wrong — commodity prices going up, the political weather getting worse, many families barely able to make both ends meet, etc. — we are laughing still. And more than that, we can still afford to create and send jokes via SMS and e-mail. (In fact, a survey of Pulse Asia in 2003 shows that jokes rank third among the types of text messages sent most often by Filipinos, just behind personal communications such as family news and greetings.)1

But why do we laugh?

First, humor is an integral part of our survival. We use humor to convey a message that is otherwise difficult to express. Compared to Westerners, we are said to be non-confrontational. Generally, we never say “no.” We often find it difficult to tell others exactly what we mean especially when we think what we need to say may hurt the other person’s feelings. So we turn to humor to get the message across. We joke about it, in the hope that the other person would understand our joke’s underlying meaning. How many times have we found ourselves wondering if a certain joke, especially if loaded with several meanings, is indeed a plain joke? More often than not, our jokes are “half-meant” or half-truths.

But more than a communication tool, we use humor as our way of coping with the adversaries that come our way. Director and writer Jose Javier Reyes, in his article, “The Power of Laughter,” writes that more than just a source of entertainment or diversion, humor for us is a survival kit. A must-have. It is our way of coping with our misfortunes and means of overcoming our predicaments. “More than just comic relief from the harsh realities,” he writes, “Filipinos have found in humor a reservoir of psychic energy from which they draw a positive outlook in life. Filipinos argue that if they can laugh at a situation, they can rise above it.”

Psychologist Patricia Licuanan, PhD, agrees that indeed, laughter is an effective defense mechanism. She says: “Beneath the laughter is a resilient spirit that enables Filipinos to weather the worse economic and social conditions. Modern Filipinos like to compare themselves to the bamboo that sways and bends with the wind, no matter how strong, but never breaks. And like the bamboo, which thrives in the harshest environment, Filipinos survive the most trying times.”

Finally, humor is a weapon, as observed by Philippine Daily Inquirer columnist Conrado De Quiros. He writes: “Laughter is the most potent weapon of the powerless in the country.” When we find it difficult to directly criticize the government or anyone in power, we turn to humor. Is there anyone in the country who still doesn’t know, or has not received an Erap or a Garci joke?

So we laugh because humor is us. It is our way of life. To not see humor in any situation is to be un-Filipino.

But on second thought, and without discounting the good things humor do for us as a people, are we not laughing a bit too much? Isn’t laughter our non “full” verbal way of saying, ”who cares?”

Take for example the controversy involving the president and former COMELEC official Garcillano, which spawned hundreds of Garci and Gloria jokes around the country and the world. While the whole country was appalled at the turn of events, and wondered whether the President indeed was the one on the phone; and as things progressed with the President asking the people for their forgiveness, and a number of politicians making inconceivable moves and some groups calling for the President to step down, most of us stayed glued on our television sets, watching the event as though we would not be affected however it turns out, and created jokes about it.

There are many reasons we didn’t take the heed of going down the streets to oust yet again another president, one of which is the question on her successor. Somehow, the scenario of having Noli de Castro as president doesn’t paint a good picture, yet installing someone else to the presidency would not be constitutional. Another reason is the fact that any change we make in our structure now would spell instability. And then, there’s also the issue of going to the streets being not anymore as effective as the first two EDSA revolutions. So maybe we are left with no other choice than having to contend with a president a growing number of our countrymen no longer trust.

Or maybe we have become too tired to do anything, realizing that whoever we put up there to govern us, would simply do his or her best to fail us. Take Erap. Take Gloria.

So we laugh, believing that there is nothing more we can do with our situation. Either that or we cry. Other nationalities may have already cried in despair. But not us. Crying, we say, cannot make the problems disappear. However, neither can laughter. Still, the latter can make the problem seem lighter; while the former adds weight to it.

Laughter is not always positive. It may also mean resignation. Or worse, apathy. [seb/oct2005]



End Notes & Bibliography

1 San Andres, Emmanuel A. “News, greetings, jokes top list of Filipino’s text messages.
www. Cyberdyaryo.com. June 20, 2003.
Reyes, Jose Javier. The Power of Laughter.
www.livinginthephilippines.com/philippine_articles/sense_being_filipino/power_laughter.html
Licuanan, Patricia B. A People of Hope.
www.livinginthephilippines.com/philippine_articles/sense_being_filipino/people_hope.html

The rise of the newest office bully

I’m fully booked this week, and it’s all Chie’s doing. You see, she holds me responsible for her not being able to cover the event [the presscon of Regine Velasquez and Ogie Alcasid’s upcoming concert, "Forever After"] last Saturday. She says had I been in Manila last week, we would have been able to attend the event which, according to her, was star-studded.

Now, as a payback for my absence [that’s how I see things, anyway], she took matters into her hand when I asked her “paki-ayos naman ang mga coverages natin this week,” meaning, sort them out. She made confirmation to every single event we were invited to attend, giving my name and hers as the attendees without [let me repeat that, WITHOUT] first consulting with me, or at least checking with me my schedule.

And as if that isn’t enough, as we were eating lunch today at Virgin Café during one of the events she lined up for me to cover, she blurted out, “Ako na ang mag-i-schedule ng mga coverages ninyo nina Elaine, ha?” in a tone that made me wonder whether she was asking me to assign her that job or telling me to oblige.

O my! I don’t know what happened during the two work-days I was away, but suddenly, Chie had grown into a little tyrant. Imagine, she now bullies the big bullies in the office — Elaine and me. Now, with this development, it’s no longer easy to pinpoint who among us is the biggest bully. Everybody now bullies everyone. [Sure, I’m the original, but those little imps are slowly overpowering me. It seems my reign as the office’s biggest bully is about to end.]

Now, going back to my schedule, I understand I am to sit through two more presscons this week: one at Hyatt Hotel (tomorrow) and another at New World Renaissance Hotel (Thursday). I just hope I’ll have a good time.

Congratulations, Celestine

Received some good news from Celestine (T-tayns) last Thursday: she got accepted to the Japanese Scholarship sponsored by the Japanese embassy. Like her other good news, which I would not elaborate here for fear of being beaten to death, this one failed to surprise me. Our common friends and I knew all along that she would be accepted; it was only she who wouldn’t want to expect. Sure, it’s wise of her not to hope, but I dare say it was quite obvious she’d make it. So why not hope… and dream?

But it’s just so like her to be humble. (Unless you downplay her beauty. She'd fight you tooth and nail if you'd tell you're better looking than she is. Her battlecry is: “According to my mom…”)

Knowing how hard she worked to get accepted to the scholarship and how much she really wanted to further her Japanese studies, I can only be happy for and proud of her.

So, congratulations, Tayns. You deserve it!



NOW TAYNS, moving on to your other “issue,” tell me: any news yet?

Why do I see you grinning? You mean, ala pang progress?

Puwes, eto lang masasabi ko sa’yo (let me borrow this phrase from Elaine): “Hay Naku!”

For someone who’s got sky-high IQ, you are a little dummy in that department, my friend. So am I [dummy, that is], but at least I fair better! And that gives me the right to be exasperated with you. After all the figuring out you tasked me to do!? Hah!



OKAY, going back to the scholarship thingie… I found my book on Transformational Grammar. You might need it. Just give us a shout if you can’t put 2 and 2 together when you start doing your thesis on... ano nga 'yon? Japanese pro-forms? 'Di ka naman nagpapakamatay, ano? Hehe...

I’m sure you can do it. ‘Kaw pa?!

Still, Salve and I will just be here, always ready to give you a hand. On one condition though: you'll have to let us bully you anytime we feel like it… Nyehehe. [What do you say, Salve?]

Lorien's "nose-bleed" antics

For the record, it is not for lack of important things to put on the white board that I started tallying Lorien’s well-done and palpak deeds. I had thought cataloguing Lorien’s kapalpakan would be an effective means to reduce her sablay antics; that by doing so, she would no longer be running around asking people questions like (to Elaine) “Ate Lai, gusto mo ba, yung iced tea mo, malamig? and (to me) “Ms Sherma, pwede na po ba akong umuwi?” thirty minutes after I had told her she could go home.

Brilliant the idea might have seemed at first, but I am now about to concede that it’s not working. Lorien’s “screw you” points have surpassed her “very good” points (6–4). And just this afternoon, when I blurted out: “Pwede ka palang manganak ng caesarian hanggang five!?” (meaning up to five times); Lorien knowingly answered: “Oo naman! Mama ko nga e, madaling araw!”

God! Kung 'di ka ba naman duguin sa ilong!


PREGNANT women out there! Now you know what to do: Make sure you don’t go on labor beyond five pm, lest you'd find yourselves being refused by the health professional on duty, saying: “Naku, ma’am sorry po, bawal na pong manganak after five! Balik na lang po kayo bukas!”

Re: Elaine's Blog

Elaine finally reported for work, after almost three weeks of absence. She's been here for five hours already and ALL she was able to do is, well, update her friendster blog. Tsk tsk...

I ripped it off (with her permission, of course) so I could show you just how mean she is.

From http://moonlightandbutterfly.blogs.friendster.com/moonlight_butterflies_and/

back to the asylum
after almost three weeks of no-show at the office, am finally back (much to the chagrin of sherma lou, though she's insisting that they have missed me and my being a bully). two hours into my post and i soon realized A LOT had happened during my absence, which made me even more convinced that sherma lou's lying about missing me and all — and i just so know it's killing her to have to tell me that she was missing me just so she'd sound like a true friend (and it beats the hell out of me why she has to do that, when we both know we're just pretending to like each other. hahahaha!). [just to show i've got manners, hehe —sherma]

either because the people at the office consider it a pressing matter to catalog lorien's good and bad deeds for the day or for lack of something more important to put in the whiteboard, sherma lou is now tallying lorien's usefulness around the office and her being a pain in the ass, which is a more common occurrence than the former. and as of the moment, lorien (aka our "boss”) has two "very good" points and two "screw you" points.

one-eighth of the same whiteboard has been allotted for the quote of the day, which i think should be renamed as ate chie's corner, simply because it would be her famous lines that are sure to stamp ownership on that space ("mah goodness!"). [January 13 entry reads: “Ano’ng oras ang 3pm?”; January 20 entry reads: "Pinaghintay lang nila ako ng matagal! Ayan, lumamig na tuloy ang ice cream ko!" Both courtesy of Chie —sherma]

another innocent whiteboard has been degraded to show the gazillion bloopers those loonies do in a day. only sherma lou and ate chie's names have figured out in the list so far and am just wondering why patsy's pagiging innate na sablay doesn't earn her the top rank in the list. sherma lou reckons patsy hasn't committed whiteboard-worthy kasablayan yet cos she's so busy with work. and that's exactly a big blooper already! (peace, fatutsi! na-miss kita!)

and speaking of patsy the great, she's really freaking me out. as arno put it, para siyang lesbian stalker. i'd let her own words speak for her: "elaine, na-miss kita. mamya na tayo mag-usap. i'm just happy that we're breathing the same air, standing on the same ground..." patsy, sinasabi mo rin ba yan kay ian?!

quoting the first part of this entry: "two hours into my post and i soon realized A LOT had happened during my absence..." A LOT OF LUNACY, i must say. makes me think whether it was a good idea to have reported to work again, instead of just asking lorien to submit my resignation letter ; ) [Didn't I receive a text message from you telling me that you MISSED us? Come on, elaine, you love the chaos we create in the office as much as we do. hehe. And, would you believe my day is no longer complete without you (and Chie, Lorien and Patsy) pestering me? You guys are the most effective stressor known to FAME. I'm now beginning to love my cortisol-filled life. Thanks to you... —sherma]

2006 and Me

Oh, hello, 2006! Sorry, didn’t notice you come in. Guess I was still trying to cope with 2005’s abandonment when you did. Hah! Pretty nasty way to end a relationship, if you ask me.

2005 seemed nice at first. We got along pretty well. He gave me nice things — a good break, new friends, etc.. Sure, he also gave me trials and challenges — some of which I passed (with flying colors, I must say); but some, well, can’t say my performance was exceptional, but I survived them, nonetheless. He was nice, really. That is, until a few days before he had to go. Would you believe he took my Inang with him? That thieving bastard! Then he put me under the weather, just as I was preparing to welcome you. Sabotage is what I call what he did. Still, that is not an excuse for failing to give you the welcome you deserve. Really sorry, my friend.

Anyway, what’s up?

Oh, too bad you can’t tell just yet. Guess I’ll pitch you a proposal, anyway. Here’s a list of what I think we should do:

1) Travel. Man, I’ve been wanting to travel since God knows when. Hope we can go together. 2005 promised to come with me, but he backed out. Do you think you could come?

2) Move on. I know what my father would say when he hears my plans (“Rolling stones gather no moss…”). Still, I think I have to make a leap, again. Will you facilitate it? Don’t worry, I’ve got a plan. Just need a little help.

3) Ditch my studies. Yeah, I know I’ve always wanted to finish it. But my performance last sem is so poor (Got 2 INCs). I hate turning in a bad performance. But Time isn’t cooperating with me. He exasperates me so!

4) Write stories: one in English; another in Iluko. That seems next to impossible, mind you. But I’ll do my best. Without my studies to distract me, I might be able to.

5) Be more active with Rotary Club.

6) Spend more time with my family and friends, especially with Amang Roman and Lola Matda.

What do you think? Do you suppose you can help me with these? Or do you have other activities in mind?

Find a husband? Whew! Can't you think of something else? You know, something doable...

Friendster testimonials

Tama ba namang kung anu-ano ang pinagsasabi (o pinagsusulat) ng ilan sa mga alang kwenta kong friends tungkol sa akin sa kanilang testimonials? Masagot nga.

From Celestine

“One of the deranged escapees from Mandaluyong.” (We escaped together, didn't we? Hehe…)

“She always seems to have someone she can’t see eye to eye at work. Still, she insists that she is in the right and when you listen to her rant about this person, you'll somehow find yourself agreeing with her. Too bad if you're the person all her ire is directed upon 'coz just one look (from her) will shrivel you dry with no hope for resuscitation.” (Yup, yup… It’s nice when you’re able to make your oppenent crumble by merely giving him or her a deadly look.)

“She tells everyone she's a full time bully and I have to agree; no truer words were ever spoken.” (Hey, you failed to mention that a person must meet a set of criteria to qualify for my bullying spree. I don’t prey on the weak, remember?)

“Perpetually late, unless you threaten her with dire consequences.” (That’s only because I don’t want to be the one to wait…)

“She has a way of smiling that let's everyone know that she knows something about you that she is not telling.” (I’m smiling right now. Why kaya?)

“Self-confessed weirdo.” (Everybody has a weird side.)

“Gifted writer and intellectual heavy weight.” (Wish ko lang…)

"All in all, she is one of my closest friends na hanggang ngayon ay pinag-iisipan ko pa kung kelan nag-umpisa. All I know is, nung freshie kami, Salve and I thought she's one of the upper classmen... d sya nakasama sa block dahil late enrollee sya." (It’s not my fault late enrolee ako. Late ko natanggap admission letter from UP. Waaa!)

*Celestine is one of my closest friends (since my college days pa). She’s the most kikay in our group. She says her greatest talent is “smiling.” But I beg to disagree. She is the only person in the group who pursued Japanese (besides Salve and Jayson — kumusta na kaya ang lalaking ‘yun?) Wait! Come to think of it, ako lang pala ang hindi Nihonggo speaker sa grupo. Apat lang tayo, di ba?).

T-tayns is straight laced (super) and frank. A loyal friend. She and Salve are among the very few who's got my permission to tell me upfront when I’m making an ass out of myself, which, thankfully, very seldom happens (‘coz I don’t let them know when I’m up to no good. Hehe…)

I love her to bits… respect her a lot.

From Elaine

Working with sherma lou (why can't everybody get my name right? It's just S-h-e-r-m-a. There's no Lou, Lyn, or whatever pa! Hay naku!) reminds me of andrea's story, as chronicled in "the devil wears prada." You see, andrea has an "impossible" boss (the editor of a famous women's mag, miranda priestley) — impossible to deal with, makes impossible demands, impossible to please. In fact, impossible could very well be her middle name.

And that's sherma lou for me. She's also an "impossible" boss — impossible not to make fun of, impossible not to bully, impossible not to be a bitch to, impossible not to be the butt of my jokes. see, it's just like andrea's story. she's andrea and i'm miranda. (Honey, that's only because I let you. Hehe)

(hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! i know i'm mean and you can't do anything about it! :) (Go, mean girl!)

*Elaine is one of the best writers Health and Lifestyle ever had. Pretty young thing she is, but don't let her looks deceive you. She's one big bully. Next to me, that is.

Her job description reads: "To stress out Sherma Lou to the max." And mind you, she does a good job of it. Way beyond expectation. All the time.

She must really love her job.

From Patsy

"Jhann aka Titasherms is my constant breakfast buddy, lunch buddy, withdraw buddy, toothbrush buddy, merienda buddy and sir buddy (Haha! Corny mo!)" (I look forward to the day na hindi na corny si Patsy. But then again, she would cease to be who she is. So, sige na nga! Go na lang).

"Anyway, she is oh-so Health & Lifestyle because she definitely adds life to my living (FYI: Adding Life to Living is our magazine's tag line). She is like a drug sometimes she makes me so high with her sablay antics (e.g. the glass door, remember?). Nevertheless, I still love her because even if shes a mean girl and even if I already denounced her as one of the founding members of The Chums, she's always there to listen and give sound advices." (I don't remember ever applying to be part of The Chums.)

"She is also a biatch like me and that just makes her more lovable. Hehe! I am looking forward to more of our sablay experiences!" (With you around, everything just goes sablay... Peace Patsy! Luv yah...)

*Patsy is well-loved in the office. She's fun to be with, especially with her sablay antics and her brand of logic (see my previous posts to get a feel of her logic). At eto pa, would you believe that her only reason for taking up advertising is... well, "Advertising" ang name ng street nila. Laugh trip talaga! LOL.)

Knocking on Your Door

Dear Hugh Manity,

I passed you by again today. I was expecting you’d grab me when you see me. But you didn’t. I don’t understand. I mean, each day, you keep asking for me to show up. You keep wishing for me to knock on your door. But when I do, you wouldn’t open it up for me, or you’d hesitate to invite me in. At times, you’d even completely ignore me.

I hope you realize that there are others who’d be glad to see me, readily embrace me, and throw caution to the wind just to have me. Many even actively search for me. But you… why are you so apprehensive to let me in?

This is the last time I’d knock on your door. I wish you’d invite me in this time. I’m extremely busy; can’t keep coming back to someone who'd just ignore me.

Usually, I knock on one’s door only once. But just for now, I’m willing to give you another chance. I hope you’d do the right thing this time.

Sincerely,

Opportunity

P.S. Please stop whining about how I’ve never presented myself to you. Because I did. Many times. You just weren’t ready to have me.

Copyright Sherma E. Benosa 2005

Thank You, Inang

She might have looked old and vulnerable especially during her final year. But for anyone who have known her when she was much younger — when her daily routine included not just tending to six rowdy boys and managing her home, but as well as sharing as much labor in the farm as the men — she was one heck of a tough woman.

Tough she might have been, but for me, she was the wingless angel who guided us, her grandchildren, through our childhood — the one who patiently taught us the values of caring, discipline, and cooperation. We learned about life more from her than from our books. After all, she was the one who instilled in us the importance of prayers. When she was alive, even as she was approaching death and dementia had already clouded her mind, she still knew her Amami (Our Father) by heart.

As I look at her lying peacefully in her coffin, I see not a lifeless body, but a beautiful face. I gaze at her beautiful face, and I think of her serene smile; and somehow I am 7 years old again, and she, twenty years younger than her present age. I am no longer standing beside her coffin, but am running fast along with my brothers and cousins, to meet her as she walks home from the market, balancing on her head a basket containing our pasarabo — chicharon, pulitipot, pop rice, gatas, galletas, etc… (Back then, galletas and pop rice were the best tasting tinapay we knew of.)

As we all reach for her basket, I sense that she's smiling. But as I look up to smile back at her, I feel being transported back to reality; and there I land right beside her white and silver coffin. I force myself to turn away from her, but not before saying what I'll never get tired of telling her: Agyamankami kenka Inang. Ay-ayatendaka unay.

I walk out of the room, as tears run down my cheeks. Still, I refuse to blurt out words of farewell, for I know I will always keep her in my heart.

Oh, what I would give for just one more hug... But maybe, she'd had all the hugs she needed from me. She left peacefully without me by her side...

Inang Pacing (Faustina Domingo Benosa) passed away at 9:00 pm on December 15, 2005. Several family members (Amang Roman; sons Manuel, Nestor and Benjamin; daughters-in-law Sherly and Luz; and grandchildren Lucky Ryan and Jeannet) were beside her. She was a month shy of her 87th birthday.

A peek inside

It’s been ages since the last time I actually had the time to sit down and reflect upon my life. As I try to look back to the events of the latter part of this year, I realize I’ve been through so many things — good and bad — but I feel as though I had not really been through them. I don’t have a clear memory of them, save for some that really hit me, like being forced to grow up real fast (in 6 months) because of the huge responsibility forced upon me; and getting out of a complicated relationship (that is, if there really was a relationship. I insist that there wasn’t; I walked out on something that was really nothing.).

And then, there is the realization that I’m not the only impatient person in the world. Yup, someone else is tired of waiting for me. He’s gone. He has found someone else — someone who could live the present and anticipate the future. With him. Not like me who lives in the past (of which he isn't a part), and wishes for that past to have a continuation in the future.

I wonder though: this girl he's found — Is she sweet? Is she smart? Is she somehow like me?

Do I feel bad for losing him? Not really. I felt sad, initially. But I’m OK. I guess I’m through being vulnerable. There are events in life that can make one tough. And unfeeling.

But did I really lose him? We never had each other. And as the song goes, "you can't lose what you never had."

Am I still capable of falling in love? I don’t know. There is so much love in me waiting to be shared. It’s just that I won’t.

Some wounds leave deep scars.

When I'm through with my writing career...

...I'm gonna be a maniquin! hehe!