Life is a Performing Art (Story on Slide)

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Frst posted in my iluko.com blog.

“I Do”

Saturday, January 26, 2008. 5:05 pm. I was still writing like crazy, trying to beat the 8pm deadline for my article. The article was done, actually, but it was a page short. I’ve put everything I needed to write, so I was finding it hard to add more, for although I can be very wordy when it comes to blog posts and other personal stuff, I am very concise when it comes to academic and journalistic writing.

I paused for a while to stretch my arms and to figure out what more I could add to the piece I was writing. I was about to hit the computer keys again when a message popped up in my ym.

“Hi luv! How are you?”

It was from my Dungngo. A huge smile spread across my face. I wasn’t expecting him to be back yet. Immediately, I rang him and greeted him with glee. He explained he was home just to feed his cat, and of course talk to me, but he needed to be back to the hospital where he is receiving treatment in less than two hours. I was disappointed, of course, but I focused on the fact that at least we were able to talk before I was to travel for home that night.

Then the day and time hit me. Without preamble, I said: “Love, I do.” It took him a short time to figure what I was talking about. He let out a sigh before answering: “I do, too, Darling.”

Puzzled? Let me explain.

Last Saturday should have been our wedding day. The wedding march should have started at 4:30pm so I imagine that by the time my darling’s message popped up at 5:05pm, we should already be in front of our family and friends, exchanging I do’s.

There was no wedding march, no friends and folks around. I wasn’t in my wedding dress, and my Dungngo was miles away, still sick, but dammit there was no stopping us from exchanging our vows. We exchanged our I DO’s with only God as our witness, and our computers as companions. But that, as far as we are concerned, is as real as the real thing.

So now, I am married.

Home for a Day

I was home for a day yesterday. I traveled Saturday night, arrived home Sunday morning, and traveled back to the city Sunday night. (My brother Ogie, who stays with me in QC, went home Friday night). It’s tiring, really. Dad and Mom were happy we were complete as a family (well, almost, except for my Dungngo who is still abroad), although they think it’s crazy that I should be spending more time traveling than staying with them. I think it’s crazy too, but at least, I was able to see them, especially my two nephews.

As is customary whenever one of us is going home, I told every member of the family of our plans to go home a week ahead, so adjustments could be made on everyone’s schedules, and everyone could be home. It’s easier to organize things now, because my brother Iding and his family are now based in NV, even if his projects are in Baguio, Ifugao, and sometimes, Manila; and Ryan, who works for him, is also NV-based. It’s just Kate (Ryan’s wife, and Pau, their kid) we needed to ask to come to NV too for the family to complete. Somehow, my vacation seems incomplete when one member is missing, so I always ask everyone to come home whenever I am.

I was home less than 24 hours, and a huge part of it, I spent sleeping. Still, somehow, I feel I’ve done a lot of things. In the afternoon, we went to the farm and gathered alukon (yum, yum!). I also played with my nephews and took photos and videos of them, and ate good food (steamed malunggay, eggplant, and parda and pinakbet con alukon). Of course, bye-bye time was still hard, but it’s okay. Mom and Dad’s smiles the whole day were big, which makes me feel we did something good just by going home. (Dad enjoys telling everyone who greets us and notes we are all home: “Adda amin dagitay boss ko” with a glitter in his eyes.)

I feel relaxed, too. I’ve had a busy and brain-draining schedule last week. By Saturday, I was already feeling stressed out. Miraculously, my crazy trip back home erased ‘em all. Now, I’m fully energized.

Magazine Cover Girls (Feeling lang...)

My good friend, Chie (Sheryl), asked me to post these pictures in my blog. She is currently taking Photoshop lessons with Manong Ricco, and these are her practice outputs. She was so excited the other night, saying over and over that she couldn’t believe she had done these.

Good job, Chie! Love yah!











(Above, left) Original picture; (Right) Magazine cover version; (Below) Chie on cover. Ganda niya, 'no?




Below is an additional photo. This time, from FantasiaLand. Gift ni Fairy Chie.

New Name, New Look, New Me?

My blog just got a face lift and changed identity. Now you ask: Does that mean anything?

The answer is it does and it doesn’t. Let me elaborate.

The main reason for the face lift is that I find the blog’s old look very boring. I had always wanted to make changes in its looks, but it’s only now that I was able to sit down and fix it. The change in name (from “The Wicked Angels Haven” to “The Written Wor[l]d), on the other hand, signals maturation on my part. When I started referring to myself as a “wicked angel,” I was just a child asserting to be myself. It was my way of calling attention to the duality that resides in me; to assert that though I am generally nice and good, I also do not say things that are contrary to my beliefs just because they are what the people around me want to hear; nor do I do things solely because they are expected of me.

“The Written Wor[l]d” was coined almost immediately after I put up “D’wicked Angel’s Haven” in 2004. I had always wanted to create another blog of this title and, in some occasions, had been tempted to change the existing blog’s name to “The Written Wor[l]d,” but somehow I kept deciding against doing it. Until today.

So yes, in some ways, the change in the name and in the look of the blog signals changes in me as well. But not that much, because the content of the blog would be pretty much the same. Attempts at poetry, personal essays and other stuff that I find interesting shall continue to grace this blog’s pages.

Thank you for visiting me here. Truly, this page that I originally intended to be for private use only has evolved to become a place where I can share with friends my thoughts and feelings, my triumphs and failures, and my wishes and dreams.

Thank you for spending time with me, folks!

Almost Me

When I did a general cleaning of my closet last week, I found, among other things, my two old diaries which I kept hidden someplace where they are most secure. As I leafed through their pages, I couldn’t help smiling at the concerns of my once young heart and utterly innocent mind, telling myself over and over: "Ah, to be so young and so full of dreams! To be so innocent and so hopeful of a very bright future ahead."

Did I say smiling? Make that bursting with sporadic laughter, for from time to time, I would see a line or two that I find so corny and childish. Especially so when I saw what I’ve written at the second page of the newer of the diaries: it’s really the most kaloka of all. No, it’s not a secret about some crush or anything; it’s my Japanese welcome greeting. It’s so kaloka because I can no longer read it (it’s written in hiragana and katakana); and, if not for the translation I’d thankfully provided when I wrote it, I would not even know what it means anymore. Besides my official transcript of records and the cheap Nihongo grammar books I bought, it’s the only relic left of a gone era of my life: the time when I almost learned to speak and write Japanese.

I remember that I was taking up Japanese 10-11 when I wrote the greeting; I was in my first year, first semester in the university. We had not yet touched kanji at the time; hence, the use of hiragana and katakana (I’m sure I would have used kanji — just to show off to myself, because of course I don’t expect any other pair of eyes to see them besides mine — if I had already known how to write in those beautiful characters.)

During the past days, I kept wondering why I can't seem to forget my 're-discovery' of my diaries, especially the hiragana greeting. But I wonder no longer, now that I've remembered the disturbing thought that played in my mind as gazed at that diary entry. When I saw the greeting, I felt sorry that I did not truly learn Japanese; it would have been an asset. Then I realized that I was a piece of an undeveloped potential when I was in college — just an almost. I mean, I almost learned to speak Japanese, but didn’t (Alas, I should not have given up!). I was almost sent to Indonesia as a foreign exchange student, but wasn’t (Damn the Asian crisis!). I almost graduated with honors, but didn’t (Hmmm, should I blame my being a working student or my not studying well enough?).

As I was thinking this, I chided myself, saying: “Stop it!There’s no point crying over spilled milk. Move on. Just look at what you’ve become and be content.”

So that’s what I did. Only, as I looked at my present self, I’ve come to realize this: I am still an almost! Almost a writer. Almost an artist. Almost married. Almost an MA degree holder. Almost, but not quite!

Ah, to be just some kinda. Some sort of.

Ah, such potential; such right start that’s wasted. Well, almost wasted (because I did not end up a total waste, did I? Nyehehehe)


//Sherma Benosa
15 January 2008; 1:40am


As I was about to post the earlier piece (Almost Me), another thought hit me: that if we look closely at ourself at any point in our life, we’d realize that we are both an accomplished and un-accomplished person. There are chapters in our lives that we’ve come to close, but there are also those that we are about to open, or are still trying to fulfill.

There are things in life that we could have achieved if only we tried our best; hence, from this point onward, we should always struggle to pursue excellence. There are also those that we couldn’t, no matter how hard we try because they aren’t for us; hence, knowing we’ve given our best, we must learn to accept that there is a Greater Being that holds the rein of our destiny.

Just an almost? We’ll, that’s not really a sad thing as long as we know we are giving our best shot at everything we do; and that we are able to become “quite” on the things that are meant for us.

A Goldmine of Interesting Information

Have you ever wondered about the two- and three-letter words acceptable in scrabble as approved by scrabble associations? (Well, I have, because I have been playing a lot of online scrabble with my Dungngo lately).

Have you also wondered about the unusual color terms (and what shade of color they are referring to?)

How about a listing of the lost English words?

Maybe you have, maybe you haven’t; I’m sharing what I’ve stumbled into, anyway. It’s a goldmine of information, if you ask me, especially if one is so inclined to learn about some not-so-common but interesting information about the English language.

Here’s a link to the website: http://phrontistery.info/

Direct links to some interesting information in the site:
Two- and three-letter scrabble words: http://phrontistery.info/scrabble3.html
Lost English words: http://phrontistery.info/clw.html
Obscure color terms: http://phrontistery.info/colours.html

Beadwork

Lately, I’ve been being drawn (again) into beadwork, which is good, because now, I can allot at least a day a week for this other medium of self-expression.

Beadwork is therapeutic; it relieves me of stress. It also has a lot of potentials for business. Hmmm, why not?

Let me share some of my initial outputs.

Dress designs for me

It was already past 3am, yet sleep was still evasive. I tried to catch it, but it was slippery, so I gave up the attempt. I could have browsed the internet to pass the time, but I had been online for hours before going to bed, looking for and studying some craft ideas and designs.

I don't know what I've been thinking at the time, but soon, an idea came into my mind. I grabbed my notebook and drew the idea (to think I don't even draw).

Yes, the idea is of dresses and blouses I'd love to sew for myself (if I know how) for summer, and suits I'd love to wear if I were still trapped in the corporate world. My creative self is happy I've turned my back to that world, but the part of me that loves dressing up is, well, not too happy whenever I am in the mood to wear suits, which is very seldom. :-)

Ah, whatev! I know I'm blabbering, and I apologize. Just think it's the result of lack of

sleep. Hehe. :-)

UP Diliman Dorm Razed by Fire

A sad news to UPians: the Narra Residence Hall, one of the oldest dormitories in UP Diliman, was razed by fire hours after the year-long centennial celebration kick off last Tuesday. (The kick off started sometime Tuesday night; the fire is said to have started Wednesday dawn).

This may no longer news to many, but it was to me about five hours ago. I was cleaning my room when a friend, Arnold, also a UP graduate, sent me a YM. No, not to tell me about the fire, but to talk about wedding bells (his and his girl friend; and mine and my Dungngo).

Then I asked him about the centennial kick off. He said he did not manage to go to UP that night. Then he mentioned about the fire. Waaaa!

I tried to remember what I was doing when the fire started. I think I must already be off to dreamland by then. I remember I finished writing an Ilokano short story about 2:30am Wednesday, and went to bed immediately after shutting down my PC. That must be why I wasn’t awoken by the sirens of the fire trucks.

Ah, so sad. Maybe especially so for the thousands who have stayed in that dorm when they were students. As Arnold, a former Narra resident, said in our YM conversation, “Narra lives in our hearts na lang. sniff. hikbi. singhot.”

Tsk!


Click here to watch the GMA newscast about the fire.

Click here to read a PDI report on the fire.

8 Goals for 2008

Goal setting, that’s what I do whenever I have time to plan my next steps, especially right before or after I make a jump. I don’t like resolutions mainly because I have yet to meet a person who has actually been successful in making his or her resolutions happen.

One of the things why resolutions don’t work is that many make them just for the sake of having resolutions for the New Year, without the necessary commitment to make them come true. Another one is that, most often, many just list the things they want to change or achieve without identifying the things they must do to make them a reality.

So it’s goal setting I do. The main difference (in my humble opinion) between goals and resolutions is that the former tends to be more realistic than the latter. Also, when one sets goals, one necessarily identifies the things that might hinder him or her from achieving those goals and the things he or she can and must do to achieve those goals despite the barriers. He or she may or may not write the hows, but written or not, these things have to be in his or her mind.

Writing and posting my goals work, not only because I am reminded of them every time I open my blog, but also because friends who have read them ask me how it’s going. My first attempt was sometime in 2005 when I challenged myself to read a number of classic literature in a year. My friends were very supportive, asking me how I was doing (and teasing me about how late I was at realizing I should be reading classics) and suggesting good titles for me to read. Salve even lent me several classics from her extra-huge collection.

There is some sort of good pressure when my goals are written for everyone to see, that there is a better chance that I achieve (most of) them. Also, family and friends tend to align their goals and activities with mine, so as to help me achieve them.

So what are my goals for this year? Here they are:

Finish my studies. This has been mentioned a bit too often in my goals. Sometime in 2006, I actually decided to ditch it, but someone got into the picture and convinced me to finish it. So now, I plan to do the thesis. Anyway, it’s just this kalokang thesis that is standing between me and my diploma.

Travel. This year, I plan to visit any three of these local tourist spots: Palawan, Callao Caves, Boracay, Bicol, Abra or Sagada and any one of these South East Asian countries: Malaysia, Thailand, or Indonesia. You guessed it right: it’s still in accordance with my dream to break into travel writing genre.

Pursue my entrepreneurial spirit. Even when I was much younger, I had always dreamed of eventually owning my own business, although I was not sure I’d eventually learn how to manage a business and I’d have a capital. What’s more, I did not know the ins and outs of a good business; couldn’t even think of what business to put up. But now, thanks to the influence of my brother who set up his own firm with some of his friends almost immediately after he passed the board exams, and of the people I am close to who had successfully crossed over to business, I think I am now ready to try my hand at it. Right now, I have several seemingly good business ideas. I hope the feasibility studies would turn out positive.

Write and publish short stories. During the past three months since I quitted my work, I devoted my time to practicing my writing skills. I think I’ve done enough practice; it’s time that I do real stuff. Of course, I’ll still be writing some stuff for my blogs (how can I not? hehe), but I must devote more time now pursuing my fiction writing dream.

Continue with my self-training on adobe and other graphic programs. And how about learning to do web design? Manong Ricco, who installed Flash in my computer last month, says it’s easy. A bit tricky, he says, but it’s alright once you’ve got the hang of it. Why not?

Get into crafts (besides beadworks which I already am into) and learn some livelihood skills. I had tried to enroll in dressmaking last year, but the class was already full so I was advised to do it this summer. I’ll try to be early this time. I still do some beadworks (yes, I make most of my accessories) but I’d also love to learn candle and soap making.

Become a regular contributor to some national magazines. Besides H&L, of course. I’m already in contact with some, and I hope they’d react positively to my sample works. Sana! :-)


I said 8 goals, but listed only 7. There’s another one, of course, but I prefer to keep it off the visible list for a while. Smile! Hehehehehe

New Year's Gift: An Open Letter

Dear Humanity,

I know that there are times when you think and feel that you are utterly alone; that no one cares. But that is not entirely true, you know that. Someone up there is always watching you, crying with you as you shed your tears, and whose heart bleeds as yours break into pieces.

He would rather not put you through anything that would make you sad; He would rather carry your load than give so you much burden. If only it weren’t necessary that you must walk on unpaved roads strewn with humps and holes of different sizes and shapes; if only it weren’t important that you must stumble from time to time, He wouldn’t put you through things that would make you — and Him — cry.

But you must go through both good and seemingly bad things, my friend. Like a clay pot that must be molded for it to be shaped, and fired for it to become strong, you must go through different challenges so that you might understand and grasp me. Yes, you must sail on stormy seas so that you'd appreciate better the dawning of a sunny day and the sighting of an island.

I say it again: you are never alone. The Father above has sent me — among others — to be with you always, to walk with you in your every step, to guide you, to help you, to make you stronger, to keep you going.

Look at me, friend, for I am always with you, whether you see me or not, whether you choose to grasp me or not. I am in everything that happens in your life: in your every success and in your every failure.

I am one of the reasons why things happen in your life; the answer to some of your questions. I am the reward that wipes off your tears, the gift that warms your heart.

Come, try to grasp me, my friend. Come, hold my hand.

Do walk on. With me.


For I am,

Lesson


//Sherma E. Benosa
29 December 2007; 11:10am