The healing process

My good officemate, Manong Ricco, mumbled something the other day about a certain dilemma of his about which I cannot talk here but to which I can completely relate. His dilemma has nothing to do with mine, but our dilemmas are somewhat parallel so that when he mumbled, “Hindi kaya naglalaro ang tadhana?” I just looked at him — dumbstruck — so that for a change, I was unable to say anything witty that would tell him I thought he was being corny, or worse, idiot.

He'd told me enough to know it wasn't his fault that he's at his current situation, and I sure did not do anything that would lead me to where I am now. All I can remember is, there I was, welcoming each day — sometimes cheerily, at other times, rather relunctantly (as any other normal person does, I must say) — and woke up one day with my life suddenly not as orderly as it was the last time I checked.

What has happened? I don't know. But suddenly, I am at a point where whatever I would decide to do would bring forth immense happiness to one soul, and death to another.

So maybe, Manong Ricco is right. No matter how careful you are in your steps, sometimes you just find yourself in situations you'd rather not be in.

Believe me, I never asked for this. I did not go out looking for this. But this is where I am now, and so I will have to deal with it.

I know I won't get out of it unscathed. For whichever way I turn, I would hurt someone. Not a consoling thought, especially because I am sure I would likewise get hurt in the process.

Oh, such a dreadful task it is, this thing that is being required of me to do. But I know I will have to do it. And I believe I am strong enough to weather it. I am both a fighter and a survivor, am I not? There's no reason I should fail. Things, after all, know how to right themselves.

And besides, there is such a thing as healing process. The thought of it should be enough to bring comfort to my soul and for me to do that which is right.

P.S.

I just find it beyond reason that I will have to hurt someone — myself included — in order for me to be happy. It simply doesn't make sense! But then, a lot of things that happen in life don't make sense immediately — at least to the human reasoning. They often do years thence. So I guess I just have to stay positive and keep believing that things will be alright. That I will be alright. That everyone will be alright.