Voice from within

Part I: The Summon

A voice I thought I’d never again hear
starts nagging at me again
in a voice much too loud to be comfortable;
telling me the things I swear I’d known before
whose meanings many times I chose to ignore.

If I still had the excuse of youth
and all the shortcomings that go with it;
If I still had the time which now has become a luxury;
If I still had the future that had looked so bright,
promising me the moon and the stars,
which has quickly become the present
that has mockingly shown me
that “the sunbeam” was just a reflection
of the glittering image of the hope from within;
If only the world were still within my grasp;
I would again choose to ignore it
like I did many times before…

But time has shown me lessons
I will never afford to forget—
Lessons for which I lost my youth
and all the things that I had valued
before this metamorphosis.

And so this time I have no choice
But listen attentively to that voice
that is now becoming louder,
thundering and echoing shouts resounding
in the deepest recesses of my being.

Yes, I know this time I have to listen
to the voice from within
and find out what it’s got to say.
For or in spite of the things I’ve lost
and of the person I’ve become,
this time I will have to heed.


Part II: The Conversation

The Voice talked to me in a voice
that resembled that of an engine running out of fuel—
harsh words coming from her, penetrating my being;
telling me the things I wouldn’t want to hear.

I advanced to shut her up
but the closer I got to her,
my will became the weaker
and the more the Voice’s sound became louder
now closely resembling that of warring soldier’s guns and bombs.

And her words… her words I couldn’t take.
I knew I had to shut her up,
strangle her to death if I had to,
but as I advanced again toward her, she laughed—
mocking me, daring me, killing me
like she has killed me many times before.

And again, I died but not truly died,
but much worse.


Part III: The Unloading

And I cried as a stab of pain penetrated my being.
Engulfed in darkness, I had no idea where I was,
yet memories of seeing Death kept flagging me
and the Voice’s voice kept following me, still.

And I wept.
I wept for everything I’ve lost,
for the opportunities I’ve let pass,
for the chances I’ve missed,
for the love I couldn’t have,
and for everything given me which I didn’t take.

I kept weeping.
I wept as I watched everything seep through me.
I wept until my tears turned into blood.
I wept until there was no blood left in my anemic veins.
I wept until I could weep no more.

Then I smiled
as I sagged down to die yet another Death.


Part IV: The Rebirth

I succumbed, and death it came.
Uplifting it was, but not painless
And, though most unworthy,
I was cleansed of the filth.
What a beautiful release!

Then I heard the Voice whispering,
beckoning me to look up.
I did, who was I not to oblige?
And there she was, looking like me
but was not really me,
smiling, mouthing comforting words.
I thought I smiled back faintly,
but I may not have; am not sure
for liquid crystals started rolling down my cheeks.

Again I wept
not comprehending what this all meant
but somehow, I was changed.

[seb/2004]