Of friendships and goodbyes

Yesterday, Jing asked me a question I would rather not answer if I had my way: “Are you and Elaine leaving?”

Had Jing been anything less than a friend, it would have been easy to dodge her question. It fact, doing so would have been the safer route, given her position in the office — the little president, as we would often tease her. But as fate would have it, she is a good friend, too. Considering our relationship with her, I thought opting to be mum on the subject when she had asked me about it directly would have been an insult to our friendship.

So I gave her the answer she deserved — a direct yes.

I didn’t expect saying the words out loud would hurt so much. I only had to think of the friendship we (Elaine, Chie, Patsy, Manong Ricco, Ryan, Jing, and sige na nga, Lorien) had, and the happy moments we shared, and already I’m being persuaded to hang on, still. I only need to think of the improvements we could still contribute to the magazine, and already I’m thinking of giving things another go. But we had been doing both in the past four months, hoping that things would change for the better. But we had hoped in vain.

So maybe it’s time to leave. On my part, I can already see my performance slowly deteriorating. I no longer have the zeal to make miracles. I already find it hard to wake up in the morning to get to work. The signs are all there, staring everyone in the face; only a blind person would fail to notice them.

So yes, words of goodbye, amidst hopes of a better environment somewhere in the wilderness, are soon to echo in the four corners of the office. Elaine may do the honors of being the first in the group to utter them. I may still have to stay around a while longer to set our commitments in order. In fact, I may still be celebrating my birthday here next month. Just whether it would be a happy or a sad celebration, I don’t know. At the moment, I don’t even think I care.