New disorders discovered...

...among some editorial staff of a monthly magazine.

Shermanized language disorder
This language disorder is characterized by:

• Massive borrowings from three different languages (English, Filipino and Iluko), the structure of which varies depending on the speaker’s location (When in Nueva Vizcaya or any Iluko-speaking place, the structure is Iluko; when elsewhere, the structure is either Filipino or English)
• Wrong word usage
  Example:
  Shermanized language: Sus, sinisintir mo naman ako!
  Correct form: Sus, iniistir mo naman ako!
  (Now, where has sinisintir come from? Answer: From the Iluko word 'sintir' which means ‘to condone.’)
• Sentences usually interspersed with damn and yeah pronounced in 10,000 different ways
• Accent of indeterminable origin
• Adoption of British accent just to annoy people
• Tendency to use words with double entendre and sexual insinuation (and insist that these insinuations are unintentional)
  Example
  Question asked to a doctor’s receptionist: Ano po nilalaro ni Doc?
  Intended meaning: Ano po ang sport ni Doc?

Patsy syndrome
People with this disorder exhibit:

• Disorganized language and thought (You ask them something and they give an out-of-this-world answer)
  Example
  Question: Patsy, ano’ng food mo?
  Patsy: Oo.
• Insatiable thirst for “Kodak” moments (They would smile or pose automatically at the sight of a camera, even if they are not the subject)
• Uncommon passion for “art” films
• Don't know what they really mean

Example:

Patsy: "Naintindihan ko pero hindi ko naintindihan." "Gusto ko siya pero hindi ko talaga siya gusto." (Ano ba talaga ate?)

Patsy syndrome patients also:

• Have a taste for weird food (e.g., dairy cream, pinapapak;)
• Manifest signs of perversion
• Have the tendency to put blame on other people and show no remorse for it
• Have their own brand of logic
  Example
  If Mini Stop is MS and Country Style is CS, ergo, Goldie’s is GS.

Following that line of logic, Tricky’s then is… TS. (Patsy, am I right?)

• Are a hopeless joker (would even create original jokes normal people would not consider remotely funny)
  Examples:

*Babala! (Asawa ni Babalu)

*Ano'ng sinabi ng panda sa photographer? (Sagot: Wag black and white ha, ‘di ako makikita.)

Chie-chie affliction
People with this mental-linguistic disorder tend to:

• Speak in loud voice, but think they are just whispering
• Get over-excited easily
• Have a speech rate of 500 words per minute
• Ignore punctuations such as comma and periods
• Require at least 300 words to say what a normal person can say in 20 words or less
• Exhibit “feeling-close syndrome”
• Insist on pronouncing the /o/ in names (e.g. Jayson) and honorific words (e.g., doctor) “correctly,” meaning, the American English way even when her sentence is purely Filipino
• Have “motherly instinct” over other people – always
• Have broken trail of thought
• Have unidentifiable intonation
  

Elaine condition
People with this problem tend to:

• Say “Hay naku” and “wala na akong sinabi”
• Have unconquerable fear of feathered animals
• Be violent: (50 hampas per day)
• Find it hard to pronounce "myths"

Warning

These conditions are highly contagious. Refrain from hanging out with people who have any of these diseases.


Treatment

These diseases are treatable but not curable. They may recur at least three times a day and the chances of relapse are especially high when people afflicted with these conditions hang out together. Best treatments available are: a good night’s sleep and food either from Tricky’s, Mini-stop, Goldie’s or Country Style.